Every Phish Review Ever Done by a non-Phish fan (Satire)

Originally published May 17, 2010

The ‘jamband’ Phish from Vermont is known for playing long noodling jams that go on upwards of 45 minutes. But did you know their fans are all hippies? Every. Single. One. Here’s an interview with one hippie: “Yeah, I saw 30 Phish shows last year”, said Marco Esquandolas from King of Prussia, PA. Based on this one individual, we can presume that all Phish fans are like him – dreadlocked, stoned and Birkenstock-wearing hippies. All of them are just like this.

The crowd likes to hang out in the parking lots and smoke pot and buy glass pipes to smoke their pot in and then burn some patchouli because that’s what these kids do. You remember that guy I quoted last paragraph? Let me back him up with a quote from one of his friends. “The scene is so much fun, we love traveling all over to see this band, it’s a great time!”, said Molly B. Untzington from Montclair, NJ. Based upon this, I’ll presume that all Phish fans are out of work, looking for a free ride, and probably selling pot to get from show to show. I saw some cops around so that means these kids are up to no good.

Oh right, the music, that’s what I came to write about.  It’s a lot like the Grateful Dead, and since I listened to ”Touch of Grey’ twice in early 1990s, I’m going to use that as my basis for all the music this band may play.  But first, let me tell you all about Trey Anastasio – the frontman for this ‘jamband’ (I have to put it in quotes or you wont realize that it’s a ‘new’ word that you likely aren’t familiar with) was arrested in December of 2005 for a DWI and possessing prescription drugs that weren’t his. See, not only are the FANS doing drugs, the band is too. But he got clean, which is why Phish broke up (according to every Phish message board I perused before writing this). Although, Phish fans seem to enjoy drugs in his place. So Trey is the lead singer and the other 3 guys are also in the band. I won’t mention them because Trey is an interesting story. If I wrote this story before his arrest in 2005, I would have mentioned how Mike Gordon took ‘art photos’ of the child of a Hells Angel at Jones Beach and had no charges pressed against him. I’m not saying anything by writing that. I’m simply saying that you should post an Amber Alert when Phish comes to town.

Oh, the drummer wears a dress. Isn’t that funny? I should get his name…..

The concert was great, if you like pot smoke and hippies dancing and getting sweaty and glowsticks and bright lights and music I don’t understand. But I’m only reviewing the music, so I shouldn’t be held accountable for my view on the show. Based on what the kids next to me said, they opened up with a mind-blowing version of “Hairy Hoodie”, and then broke into “Planes Trains and Automobiles”. This was all capped off by a rendition of the drummer singing some weird song called “Love You”’ and I won’t be looking up the original artist. Instead, I’ll let you know that he played a FUCKING VACUUM CLEANER! Holy shit! What a hippie!

Overall, the show was a great success if you were stoned and like this kind of thing. I do not so I’m going to write this review like I would before I took any journalism classes in college and pass it off as professional. Maybe you like this kind of music, in which case, ok. Otherwise, go see other music and leave these hippies be with their pot.

6 thoughts on “Every Phish Review Ever Done by a non-Phish fan (Satire)”

  1. Alright first off, Pete, you’re being an ass. Your saying all Phish phans smoke. 100%. Out of their huge fanbase, no one has stayed clean according to you. Also, how is playing a vacuum being hippy? The blue man group plays weird instruments like that. Are THEY hippies? No? Then why is Jon Fishman (now you have his name, since you wanted it so bad), a hippy? You make all these assumptions that the fans a have dreadlocks, wear birkenstocks, and are stoners….um no? I’ve never touched any drugs or alcohol and I’m a huge fan. I don’t have dreads. Yes I occasionally wear Birkenstocks, but they’re fucking comfortable. Maybe if you weren’t so close-minded, you’d be able to see how sick they are.

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